Watt's Well

Room to Be, Space to Create

Tag: change

Day 11:: The middle, man!

“The middle is messy”, Brené Brown speaks of the grit of our processes, “but it’s also where the magic happens.”

Honestly for me the middle is often times frustrating.

As I sat on the dock tonight, drinking a beer, and brain dumping on to my journal pages, I noticed the dock needed some work.  My mind wandered over thoughts of pressure washing it, building a new bench table, staining the dock.  Of course, I realistically reeled my thoughts in.  I am just a renter.  Then I recalled shamelessly, the countless other projects I have yet to finish.

Once upon a time, that dock was not there.  All there was in that space was marsh and open water.  No rusty worn out bench, no place to tie off a crab pot, no lights, no piles to hammock from.  The dock did not appear out of nowhere.  One day nonexistent, then next inviting to be ventured out on.

There was a middle.

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Building a dock is quite the undertaking.  You are placing piles into ewwy gooey pluff mud.  This alone takes the right machinery and for most people, the right skilled technician. Then there is the carpentry behind each and every board, the electrical behind the switches and the lights, and the list goes on.  Even before any of this, there has to be approval from the “gods of the local tidal ways”.

Sounds perfectly straight forward.  Easy. One days planning, one days work. Absolutely not!

Sounds a lot like most of my seasons.  There is work.  There are zigzag patterns I walk.  I hit obstacles.  I want to give up, but the vision keeps pushing me forward.

As you and I wrestle in this season, may we remember the middle is messy. May we take a step outside our situation for just long enough to see that there were other seasons.  We entered and left those seasons, but between the beginning and the end there was an emotionally charged middle.

If we can get that perspective the frustration, the negativity, or whatever else we may be experiencing is transformed into forward moving hope.

May we have the strength and courage to walk out the middle with confidence, faith, and security.

He is good.  He is for us.  He will deliver us.  He is waiting for us to ask: “God what are you doing right here in this moment”.

“Fearless in Love”

These waters are unstable, roughly unpredictable.
A keen eye should be kept to the bow.
Hand clenched on the side of the wooden vessel,
for a moment i take in its grain, its make.

Been in such waters before.
Her sail let loose in a slap,
took more than one pair to wrestle that white.
Even now something unexpected begins to stir.

Out in the distance a figure,
a man. My heart least expects,
Kind eyes I see, in the midst of violent waves.
Smiling soft lips move to his calm words.

I’m drawn, compelled.
Calm down oh soul, what if
its not him. Yet he waits.
Welcoming me to join him among the shifting waters.

Tides and waves, boats and sails;
what are you compared to this love.
No mind do I give you,
for you are nothing compared to.

Rise I do. Hand free of wooden barricade.
Look these feet walk over too. It is He I see.
Yet what if these eyes deceive me.
The wet I feel all around me.

Rough hands to which I do cling.
Oh yes it is surely he.
Lovingly he raises me,
and together we dry in the hull.

Goodbye Sweet Cottage

Changing places. Changing faces. Time to move again. Same city different home. My heart is heavy though. Maybe it has to do with all the changes in my life of late. Romantic love shift,  job shifting, and some friendship changes. But no I think it is something more…

A house holds memories. And this house surely does. Once upon a time it was not mine but a place to lay my head for a while. Then it was filled to the brim between family and volatile love. Until it could no longer bear the weight of such over-exaggerated fullness that some of its occupants fled. And shortly I too left its walls I was starting to love. Yet 9 months later I returned being birthed into the presence of the home, breaking and numb. But this time it was mine alone. Space to heal, space to feel, and love again. Its all too familiar aura comforted me until I stood again. I felt the hand of a new love here, and gained a friend in a neighbor here. Laughter was heard by the fire in the backyard. And sanctuary was found in the shed among the tools as I chipped at a new project. Early morning whisperings in the bedroom. And couch snoozing to a movie in the living room. Dancing and romancing in the kitchen. Pajama porch sitting with coffee. Telephone conversation pacing the gravel in the drive. Children playing at the swing hanging from the big oak.

You’ve been good to me old cottage. A place I only dreamed of as a kid. But most importantly he provided me with space to breathe within your tiny walls, and for that I am grateful.

Its complicated…

A relationship status Id never post in a thousand years on the blue and white screen of Facebook. Actually, I very eagerly did not fill in “relationship status” section when prompted. I don’t want people knowing how available
(or not) I am.

Last night I was watching This is where I leave you, a film worth redboxing with a side of Chinese food and a glass of wine. The main character played by Jason Bateman claims he doesn’t do complicated. However, when unexpected things take place in his life, life becomes exactly what he strove for it not to be. A complicated mess. With this epiphany seeping into his soul, he realizes that it is just the reality of life. There are complications all around but it is how we respond to those that either frees us or causes us to create our own prisons.

This resonates with me. I was in a committed relationship for two years and I thought it was complicated, but it wasn’t…it was just hard. The complications that did arise were things to be fixed and worked out. Solve the problem.

Now I take a deep breath in and admit this life in the here-and-now is a bit complicated. Relationship status, community, work, what I desire: It’s complicated. So instead of being thrown into a whirlwind of anxiety, how about just having a cup of coffee and breathing it out. Things are rarely neat and tidy so why try to force it? Why not be honest with where I am, and then let things roll as they roll. Sure there is a time and place for analyzing and decision making. But why so often are you and I premature about doing those things? Live a little in the mess. Hurrying to make a decision sometimes robs us of the richness exploring the present can bring. Transformation is often birthed out of the exploration.

Someone in my life is an addict. He has been since he was a little boy. Recently he found himself back in the hospital. After going to visit him, I was baffled to see how what he was hungry for was honesty and realness. He didn’t want to have to explain how he got where he was. He didn’t want pity. He didn’t want someone to get him out of the hole he was in. He just wanted to tell his story. His life right now is complicated. But it’s his story, his journey. And in so many ways he cannot escape the complicated right now. He has to remain in it for a bit. In the messiness he has met people he would never have met before, a music producer, a affluent magazine editor, and so on. In the messiness he is still alive. I know this is a bit extreme. But we don’t expect an addict to just quit. We expect the journey. And the journey isn’t simple.

What about us? Can we truly be freed in the midst of life’s complications? I think it will be one of the most liberating experiences for our soul.

So have a cup of coffee. Settle in the complicated and don’t allow it to take you over. And now…what do you see?

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