Watt's Well

Room to Be, Space to Create

Category: Quick Reflect (page 2 of 2)

Goodbye Sweet Cottage

Changing places. Changing faces. Time to move again. Same city different home. My heart is heavy though. Maybe it has to do with all the changes in my life of late. Romantic love shift,  job shifting, and some friendship changes. But no I think it is something more…

A house holds memories. And this house surely does. Once upon a time it was not mine but a place to lay my head for a while. Then it was filled to the brim between family and volatile love. Until it could no longer bear the weight of such over-exaggerated fullness that some of its occupants fled. And shortly I too left its walls I was starting to love. Yet 9 months later I returned being birthed into the presence of the home, breaking and numb. But this time it was mine alone. Space to heal, space to feel, and love again. Its all too familiar aura comforted me until I stood again. I felt the hand of a new love here, and gained a friend in a neighbor here. Laughter was heard by the fire in the backyard. And sanctuary was found in the shed among the tools as I chipped at a new project. Early morning whisperings in the bedroom. And couch snoozing to a movie in the living room. Dancing and romancing in the kitchen. Pajama porch sitting with coffee. Telephone conversation pacing the gravel in the drive. Children playing at the swing hanging from the big oak.

You’ve been good to me old cottage. A place I only dreamed of as a kid. But most importantly he provided me with space to breathe within your tiny walls, and for that I am grateful.

a wordy wandering

Where do I begin, where am I found? I want to be true to who I am, yet right now I am wandering a bit. I am rummaging through memories. I am being found among crowds where I don’t know if I belong, wondering why they even want me around. Im swimming through hurt and aches looking for the plug that will whisp away the fragile feelings and fears. Im lesuirely walking silent steps basking in the unknown, until anxiety reaches out its wicked hand. Im testing the feelings of craving, of desire. But as I wander, will I be found? Am I lost or simply finding my way back to…well I don’t know.

Here I am, where I never saw me walking. The changes have taken their toll, yet my heart lingers in places that at times I do not even know, until I feel a paine of desperation.

I look over my shoulder at a fading familiarity missing the sweetness of what was. Time moves forward, and what was is not ahead. Maybe it will come again in a different form. Maybe. I see a friend’s hugs, a community of love, a home, and many discoveries in the messiness. I see Genuine. Come again my friend. I see too, the one who never would have wandered here. She was too fearful, uncertain, and hiding in ways no one even saw. Yet here now she stands, and now has no choice but to look ahead.

I would have known this were to come. But when I was swept off my feet by change I was trying desparately to out run, I was left laying on my back head spinning. You don’t see something like that coming, even for one as I who figures out the next move to preserve my life. Don’t be fooled I wander most days, but I come and lie for the wandering becomes too much and the spinning takes my heart by storm.

So I’ll continue to wander, not knowing when a feeling of belonging might wash over me again. On somedays I get lost, but most days I’m just walking. I have found treasures that have brought purpose and tastes of sweetness. I hold them dear and am reminded in the spinning that it is Love that keeps me alive. Love that keeps me afloat, providing treasures among my rambling trek.

Let these feeble fumbling feelings wash over me, cus I can see the hope and light ahead. How many steps I will have to take I am unsure. May I not cheat myself from the heavy delight found in these lightly tred steps. Come Love, in the midst of uncertainty, in the days that are puzzling. May your song be enough to hold me on my feet and gently greet me when I fall down on my back. Love and Hope remain with me and I’ll continue to wander with company.

Heart strings

There is something there…an intangible string tied to you and me. Who are you? What is this all about? What do I do with this string around my heart? When you aren’t near a very thin thread is tied there, as if I’m not to forget. But to remember what? Who are you, and what purpose is this? This string looks too fragile to tug on, so I’ll let it remain until it is no more. But until then I will carry this remember-ance string with me just in case you are sad or afraid.  Maybe then with open hands can I say, “hi friend”. And just maybe then there will be a slight tug, not from these hands, but another. So you will taste sweet Love because there is no other. How do you untie what was not tied by human hands. Yet how do you be tied to another? With open hands, it’s gotta be the only way.  Who are you? What is behind the facade? But here I go tugging on the fragile string. Maybe I’d do better to watch with open hands.

Dearest freshness

God’s Granduer
Gerard Manley Hopkins
The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
    And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.
I remember reading this and dissecting it in high school English class.  I remember the first time my very eccentric, confident, encouraging teacher read it to the class. I loved it. I just wanted to hear it read aloud again and once more. There is a stability in its words I need to be reminded of, a sacredness I need to drink from every so often to refresh my soul.
I just stumbled upon Hopkins’ words tonight while reading something else. However I found something I think I was looking for.

Open box and out pops…

I was talking with someone the other day about how I always say I will update and write, but in reality I start and shortly my writing fizzles.  An open 2-liter soda would keep its fiz longer than this blog’s vision did.  Why? Well I think the motivation of framing this blog was for me to have space where I could have “room to breathe”. A blank sheet to write some of my honest thoughts and experiences outside of a box in which nothing out of the ordinary, expected, or of differing opinion could be shared.  So really other blogs I had attempted where more confining than what I was truly craving.  I was thinking this was because of who I invited to read. Which might be a piece of the truth, but certainly a small piece.

I was in need of breaking out of the box.

Wait…did I just use past tense? Oh yea…

I AM in need of breaking out of the box.

It’s nice to get a taste of something refreshing. To see a perspective you didn’t even know you were craving, all you could see was your perspective all the while thinking ‘there has to be more’.

So really it was my expectations that caused the seed of the vision I had for this blog to not sprout. So let’s see what happens now…

i feel a push to write, a nudging within. So maybe I can let it be that for a while, just a nudge. Then just maybe it will grow into something alive.

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